Saturday 6 June 2009

The Reshuffle that Never Was

While I was going up the stairs,
I met a man who wasn't there.
He wasn't there again today.
I wish, I wish he'd go away

Or you can have this version;

In Downing Street upon the stair
I met a man who wasn't Blair.
He wasn't Blair again today.
Oh how I wish he'd go away.

Isn’t it wonderful, Gordon Brown’s last gasp attempt to save his wretched government, the reshuffle that never was! Yes, I know there are new faces, I know that Alan Johnston is now Home Secretary and there have been some other moves. So what? Yes, I have to write that; so what? We know Brown wanted to refresh the front ranks in a more fundamental way; we know he wanted to shift Alistair Darling, a Chancellor who, well, gets confused about money! We know he wanted to do this despite the lie our benighted Prime Minister told in his press conference yesterday, a conference that made him look more than usually stupid and less and less in command. Dear old eyebrows Alistair remains because if Brown attempted to move him he was likely to have walked off in a huff; and having already lost so many heads pre-shuffle this was something he simply could not risk.

Gordon Brown is a man who no longer controls the cabinet or events, not in any fundamental way. He’s even growing more reliant on creepy Peter Mandelson, his old political enemy. He’s even calling on-Lord help us-Alan ‘Amstrad’ Sugar as his ‘Enterprise Tsar’ Amstrad! Like Brown it’s just so yesterday. Hey, Tsar Amstrad, let me whisper in your ear ‘iPod, iPod.’

It really gets funnier by the day, as government in this country descends from high drama to low farce. Yes, indeed, it remains true, those whom the gods wish to destroy they first make mad.


  1. Aren't your views a tad conventional for an up-and-coming intellectual? I think the government is doing a great job. They're recapitalised the banks, eased the credit shortage for small business and stimulated the economy with tax cuts. Alistair Darling was right: the recession will end before the end of the year. What a first-rate chancellor he is!

  2. Oh, Mr Darling; I’m, so flattered; welcome to the realm of the Imp! Sorry, Zaki; I couldn’t resist that. I like to think of myself as unpredictable but I’m quite happy to accept conventional, convivial or conservative, both with a small and a large c! I certainly think the unconventional thing is to defend our present government in any degree, and I commend you for your loyalty. But let’s be honest: you know and I know that it’s finished, even if the leadership is changed. Anyway, I note your defence of darling Darling, saying nothing about the main target of my assault, which I take to be an indication of your own views. Please forgive me if I am leaping to conclusions, something I tend to do in my predictably unconventional way!

  3. You are right in supposing that I was never keen on Mr Brown, but I happen to think that what a government does is more important than the personality of the man leading it. Let's not forget that it was Brown who gave the Bank of England control of our monetary policy, a policy which that fat idiotic fathead Kenneth Clark opposed.

  4. And what delights we have had from unregulated banking! Brown presided over a boom based on astonishing levels of public and personal debt. Now, in an attempt to end a crisis, in large part of his own making, he creates even greater debt! What this government has done is leap from once crisis to another under a man who has no idea what it takes to be a true leader. Did you see him on U Tube? My God; that smile!

  5. You're wrong about the level of public debt, but I won't pursue it.

  6. Yea, I hate economics too. :-))