Monday, 1 November 2010

Stephen Fry gets his rocks off


Let me begin by saying a word to all the men I’ve slept with. Yes, you are disgusting, your physical demands disgust me, your bodies disgust me. I only agreed to have sex as part of my ongoing quest to find a meaningful relationship. Even in that few of you have even come close to scratch. So, I apologise for leading you on.

I’ve just one slight problem. I’m bisexual; I have been for years. Should I also apologise, I wonder, to the women I’ve been to bed with? Did I find them disgusting; did they find me disgusting? Oh, my, how confusing it all is. I know: there is a simple solution: I shall ask Stephen Fry, that guru of sex, of men, of women and of all things in between.

Some of you will have had the misfortune to have heard of this man, the Twitter supreme, who’s close on two million followers hang on every tweet, every mediocre pronouncement. He’s a sort of all round TV person: a sleb, a luvvie, a performer…and a homosexual. Yes, homosexual, that’s the one thing he’s sure about if nothing else, this Oscar Wilde for the age of mediocrity, the one thing he’s forever wittering about, a bon mot here, an aphorism there. He feels sorry for all you heterosexual guys out there; he says so in an interview in the November issue of Attitude. The problem is we girls simply don’t like sex; we merely use it as a currency in the pursuit of romantic love;

If women liked sex as much as men, there would be straight cruising areas. Women would go hang around in churchyards thinking ‘God, I’ve got to get my fucking rocks off’ or they’d go to Hampstead Heath and meet strangers to shag behind a bush. It doesn’t happen. Why? Because the only women you can have sex with like that wish to be paid for it.

Yes, what a delightful prospect, sex behind a bush in a graveyard. Or there is the other possibility, I suppose, the kind of thing that men like Fry used to prefer – sex in public lavatories, a little less salubrious, I suppose, but at least one is out of the open air. It’s called cottaging, I think, the tea room trade, where a couple perform a sex act in one cubicle while a single individual performs a natural act in another (sorry, not that there is anything in the least ‘unnatural’ about Fry and his brothers, but you will understand the difference here). So, yes, on they go, passion against a background symphony of smells and sounds that one finds in such places. Well, maybe the bush in the pale moonlight is better after all.

The subliminal message being delivered here by Friar Fuck has nothing to do with female sexual desire – about which he knows less than nothing - or indeed about male desire. No, it’s about Stephen Fry; it’s about his perception that male lust is animal-like and disgusting; it clearly disgusts him so, by inference, it must disgust other people, especially women. Oh, there is so much Doctor Freud could have made of this, so much he could have read into Fry’s sexual obsessions, his obvious self-loathing, and his inadequacies as a human being. Now in his fifties he’s seemingly in a relationship with one Steven Webb, a twenty-five year old actor. If anybody should be asked to give a view on sex and disgust then surely, surely it has to be him!

Meanwhile, all you poor straight guys, all you guys Fry feels sorry for, you might consider that there is an alternative to a warm bed and a hot female body. Stephen Fry awaits you on Hampstead Heath. Before you know it you will be getting your rocks off behind a bush in some churchyard, all under a crisp November moon. No need to worry about a relationship trap.

58 comments:

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  2. I think he's just an arrogant sod, Adam, carried away by a sense of his own self-importance. This is further evidence of the kind of thing I alluded to recently in my Lennon blog.

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  5. Something is lacking in Fry's life, or he would not need to seek constant attention. But he's simply not interesting enough for me to care.

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  7. Adam, what he has done is to make male sexual desire look sordid in the extreme.

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  8. Calvin, a wholly admirable view and I was tempted to ignore this until my temper got the better of me. The problem here is that he has acquired the status of an oracle.

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  12. The last paragraph of this piece (particularly) is the work of a rhetorical genius! I really do think you should be writing for the Speccie (or something similar) so that a wider audience can get to appreciate and enjoy such compositions.

    Fry has long been overrated, anyway: his self-obsession (and consequent inability to put himself in anybody else's place) restricts his "art", which is purely artiface. I blame whoever encouraged him to think of himself as Oscar Wilde. He really ought to hang out more at the Brompton Oratory if you ask me, like Wilde did...

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  14. Adam, Fry is a fool, a conceited, arrogant self-obsessed man, in so many ways pathetically childish, part of his narcissistic personality. His words were an absurd generalisation, really no more than that. I certainly don't want to defend him, but I can see no trace of misogyny, taking misogyny to mean hatred of women. The real insult is to men, especially homosexual men, depicting their sexual practices in a wholly sordid way.

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  15. Dominic, you are most kind. Appreciation from people like you is appreciation enough. :-)

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  17. Hey, I see no softness here! Once again, Adam, you are in danger of losing the arguments by reaching for the ultimate weapons in the verbal arsenal. Few people would agree that misogynist is an appropriate term to use here. Women do feel differently to men. They are, generally speaking, no less enthusiastic about sex, but the experience has to be accompanied by a high degree of intimacy, not Fry's dog-like and ugly physicality.

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  19. Generalities are always dangerous and, yes, they can be offensive. But the Fry is a fool, not a hate figure.

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  23. Stephen Fry, what a sad, sad man. He hasn't done anything significant since Jeeves and Wooster, whenever the hell that was, and his less good looking partner Hugh Laurie has dominated the scene and grown his audiences consistently for years. Then he goes out and reveals that he has no real understanding of human nature, and probably picked the wrong career. Worse, he's probably not very good at having sex, and now we're wondering whether he's homosexual by birth or exile. That's just got to hurt.

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  24. "restricts his "art", which is purely artiface"

    In his entire career, I only know of one character that Fry has ever played and it's an extremely bad British stereotype. That's why Hugh Laurie has practically rode the heavens while Fry's career has been in a ditch for years.

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  25. Opinions and twitter pages are like assholes. Everyone has one.

    Coll

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  26. Adam, your language is excessive, as indeed is the language of that 'feminist' journal you managed to dredge up. These people do not speak for me. I have absolutely no idea what a 'maleocracy' is.

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  27. Jeremy, he is a sad individual, really quite pathetic in so many ways. He is the classic illustration of the dangers of celebrity.

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  28. Coll, a good adaptation of one of my favourite Dirty Harry quotes. :-))

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  33. @MGON: And as you're saying this nonsense, I will play my country music loud, wear my cowboy hat and my six shooters, pump some iron, and afterwards, go to the bar. On the weekend, I will go hunt some animals, which I will then make in to furs. It may be slavery Adam, but it's only the most fun kind.

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  35. Adam I'm sorry to say that in your list of what you deem to be male and female stereotypes you remind me of no-one more than Valerie Solanas, which is slightly disconcerting, as the last thing she might be described as is a One Nation Tory.

    Plus, if she was to be believed, she would have cut you and I up...

    In fact this male self-hatred thing (and, oh, how I prefer the french term "phallocrat" to "maleochrocy") is almost, and I do say, only almost, making me feel an ounce of sympathy for Berlusconi's approach to gender relations! (Putin's attitude in such matters, however, remains beyond the pale)

    Although surely a happy medium between Solanas and Putin is attainable, and indeed existent?!

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  36. Of course not, but just as you wish to deny your masculinity and engage in your femininity, women too have a masculine side.

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  37. The way I see it though is it is the man who sacrifices for his family and country, and for that, I am very proud to be a male.

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  40. Ana, You're bi-sexual, I still have a chance! :^)

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  44. Cheech, it really is you! You will always have a chance. :-)

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  45. Adam, I am an individual. I have no interest at all in your weird sexual politics.

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  50. Ana, Last week I was visiting an old High School friend in Lake Tahoe, California.

    We had been up to Virginia City, Nevada, doing the tourist tour in the old mining town. On the way back home my friend insisted that we stop at Dennis Hof's "Moonlite Bunny Ranch" See: http://www.bunnyranch.com/ , just so I could say I had been there.

    We went in and up to the bar, he ordered a beer and I had a coke. It was early in the day and we only two of the girls were working. It didn't take long for them to discover we were just visiting and to stop the sales pitch. They switched to small talk to pass the time until a couple of live ones showed up.

    These young women were beautiful! All I could think of at the time was how they could possibly be paid enough money to have sex with old bastards like me or my friend. If I were in their shoes I would be repulsed at the idea.

    However, they do, and even more they keep in touch by E-mail, or by telephone with their customers, especially the older ones.

    My friend, has a 71 year old friend who lives in Carson city, NV, who is now going bankrupt due to all the attention he has received from prostitutes and predatory young women over the past 3 years. They make him feel so special and loved, he can't say no to their requests for money.

    The old saying is, "It takes two" and he is the poster child for the willing victim on the male half of the pair.

    All of this brings to mind the lyrics of the
    Eurythmics song, "Sweet Dreams",

    "Sweet dreams are made of this
    Who am I to disagree?
    Travel the world and the seven seas
    Everybody's looking for something
    Some of them want to use you
    Some of them want to get used by you
    Some of them want to abuse you
    Some of them want to be abused

    I'm gonna use you and abuse you
    I'm gonna know what's inside
    Gonna use you and abuse you
    I'm gonna know what's inside you"

    It appears, everything does have a price.

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  51. Cheech, I believe that girls in this profession actually prefer older guys because they are generally more considerate, more generous, more grateful and -ahem -quicker! But you are right: dreams do not come cheap. :-)

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  52. ana, had your first few lines NOT been so seductive i would not trumbled into such misfortune for reading the rest... lol... very amusing, the way you wrote it.

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  53. I'm glad you liked it. :-) As always, yun yi, it's a delight to see you.

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  54. What little I know of this pompous fool is quite enough thank you. All of which you write I've never heard, but I can imagine it from the sneer I always hear in his voice when he happens to be on the radio (which is only when I'm over in the UK anyway).

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  55. Oh! By the way. Sex is boring. I've got better things to do.

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  56. Oh, I have lots of things to do also, but better? No, not yet. :-))

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